Sunday, 7 June 2015

Dear Qantas . . . . . . . .

A letter to Qantas:

Dear Qantas

I read recently that Qantas is to stop offering meals with pork content on certain Middle Eastern routes for fear of insulting those passengers of Islamic origins, a very noble gesture indeed.

However, I feel there are certain other ethnic passenger groups that you now need to consider for the avoidance of insult, although why Qantas has not considered these before now, or at least at the same time as the concern for Islamic passengers, is altogether rather puzzling.
  • Sikh and Hindu passengers - beef foods and foods containing derivatives of beef
  • Jewish passengers - will no doubt welcome the banning of pork foods, but are also concerned about the serving of seafood, fish lacking fins and scales, and the concurrent serving of milk and meat foods during any one meal
  • Vegetarians - any meat or fish foods or those contains derivatives of meat or fish
  • Coeliacs - serving of foods containing wheat
  • Vegans - serving of any meat, fish or dairy foods
  • Reformed alcoholics - the serving of beers, wines or spirits
  • Roman Catholics - the admittance on flights of gay couples, or heterosexual couples currently using non-natural contraceptive methods
  • Racists, bigots and Presbyterians - admitting passengers who are not a WASP - that is, White Anglo-Saxon Protestants
  • Scientologists - any references to little green men
I trust you will adopt these policies immediately to fall into line with your removal of pork products for passengers of Islamic origin.

Thank you

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The holiday in the Far East

Well, the Cambodians are lovely and hospitable.

The Thai people are lovely and hospitable. 

The British, Australian, New Zealand, Russian and American tourists are by and large well-behaved, although to be brutally honest, the Americans can be a little loud both of voice and check trousers. 

And the Chinese. Yes, the Chinese. 

What can be said about the Chinese that won’t have Chairman Mao turning in his ashes’ pot?

They are noisy, rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, and, if China was to get nuked, all that would remain would be hordes of Chinese people glued to their mobile phones. 

They mobile at breakfast. They mobile on the plane during take-off and landing. They mobile while eating, shopping, crapping and probably even in their sleep. They mobile while walking busy streets, an oriental equivalent of the living dead. They mobile on tours, on excursions, when having things explained and while the tour guide is trying to get them back on the bus. They mobile while checking in at the hotel. I bet they even mobile when being arrested or mugged.

And it's all Facebook, whatsapp or texting. Absolutely nothing of the slightest consequence to anyone except themselves.

But where they now excel over and above their moronic mobile gawking is wandering around everywhere with their iPhones mounted on an 8-foot stick. Selfie-ing.


Yes, they like to get in the picture themselves. They selfie in queues, in restaurants, on the bus, by the kerb, in shops, at weddings, funerals, in the airport, on the beach, in the toilet, at weddings and bar mitzvahs, in fact anywhere and everywhere.

Any time you see a mobile phone on the end of an 8ft pole, the likelihood is that there will potentially be a Chinese person hanging from the other end.

They can be such self-centred blighters, patently not giving a singular damn about anyone. Except themselves.

However, their antics with their mobile phones are overshadowed by their eating habits – now these have to be witnessed to be believed.

I appreciate they are probably much more adept with chopsticks, but they really do need reminding that a knife, fork and spoon are not simply Westernised weapons of food destruction, but merely implements designed to assist us all in the art of eating.

During their eating process, it appears to be some sort of requirement that other diners should be able to view what is being chewed. At all times. Unless it is some Chinese ritual that they do an impression of a catfish out of water. Cows have better table manners, as they hold their forks in their right hands like daggers, condemning even the most innocent of French fries to a painful death.