Monday, 30 March 2015

Election 2015 off the starting blocks

So Big Dave has been to see Her Majesty to dissolve the government. On the suggestion of Anjem Choudary, he used Nitric Acid rather than the usual Astonish products from his local pound shop, although the Duke of Edinburgh did object to him racing up and down the corridors of Buck House on a Domino Pizza motorbike.

All the politicians have wheeled out their headache pills - "I believe" (geddit?) - and there are reports that the sales of Johnson wipes have increased dramatically as canvassers head off to kiss dribbling babies and have toddlers throwing up all over their suits.

The public will soon be deluged by politicians charging around in their battle busses (National Express 561 to London) knocking on doors shouting, "I don't know who you are or what you do, and I don't really care. Just give me your vote."

Labour will say the Conservatives shouldn't blame UKip for the LibDems being so appalling to the SNP who shouted at the Greens for giving out to Plaid Cymru who gave two fingers to the DUP for swearing at the SDLP. Or vice versa.

Jeremy Vine will be polishing his Hush Puppies, while Jeremy Paxman will be polishing his chin. There will be loads of polls from ComRes and YouGov, as well as plenty of polls of polls. There will be "dwindling fortunes", "changing fortunes", "swinging fortunes" and "expense claim fortunes"; Jon Snow, as usual, won't have a clue what's going on and Russell Brand will be as repulsive as ever.

The big question is; will Bez "Happy Mondays" take Salford for the Reality Party and Al "Pub Landlord" Murray take South Thanet from the Conservatives for his Free United Kingdom Party out from right under Nigel Farage's nose?

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Advertisers get happier . . . . and I get grumpier

What is it with current advertisements on television? Is it that the advertisers themselves are selling such absolute rubbish, or is it simply they don't realise they have saddled themselves with completely uncreative and useless advertising agencies?

Meanwhile, Sir Martin Sorrell is waltzing to the bank with $53million for his past year's troubles. I wonder how many awful campaigns his company WPP has come up with recently? Or have they been responsible for originating or copying any of those I'm about to mention?

I can't imagine the viewing rooms being full of company directors all wetting themselves with delight at the unveiling of new campaigns like these below that are of such monumental piss-poor proportions.

The malaise set in with mobile phone operator O2 and their positively appalling "Be more dog" campaign. Totally meaningless, not to mention grammatically incorrect.

Then moneysupermarket.com, already accused along with other comparison sites of encouraging sign-ups to deals providing the best commission .... to themselves, have come up with possibly the worst of the lot,"X, you're so moneysupermarket". The latest incarnation sees an offensive chap with an offensive rear strutting offensively in a pair of women's orthopaedic fashion shoes.

How can anyone or anything be "so money supermarket"?  It's like saying to an HSBC director "you're so slush fund", or to a pharmacist "you're so prescription". Utter, puerile, childish hogwash.

The ones that really rattles my cage are the number of brands that are now "happy", mostly just grammatically incorrect clones of one another. The list is growing by the minute. Do the directors of these brands not realise that not only do they appear like copy-cats, but their agencies are uncreatively stupid, doing nothing but taking their clients for a very expensive ride?

Let's take a few of these happy-chasing brands, many supported by truly appalling advertisements that are neither clever nor the least bit amusing:

Gala Bingo - play happy
Jacobs - snack happy
Hyundai - get ready for happy
Rightmove - find your happy
Dreams - sleep happy
Hungry House - 25% more happy
Stork  - bake someone happy
Fabreze - breathe happy

Help!