Sunday, 26 April 2015

UK General Election - exit poll

I have just completed my own exit poll for the General Election , an exit poll based on canvassers entering and exiting my front gate. Results are as follows:

CONSERVATIVES - gingerly opens the gate, closes it behind them, gingerly pushes the leaflet through the letterbox ensuring it goes all the way in, gingerly opens the gate once more, exits the garden path and then gingerly closes the gate behind them

LABOUR - opens the gate, steams in, noisily forces three identical leaflets through the letterbox leaving one sticking out, then steams out leaving the gate flapping

LIBDEMS - can't actually open the gate so gives up after 18 minutes of trying


UKIP - from the public pathway, throw leaflet after leaflet, for a random selection of prospective candidates over the gate at the letterbox, hoping that one might magically make its way through the letterbox. Gives up after 18 minutes and 72 leaflets


GREENS - Won't come through the gate as it is imported from Israel


BNP - throws housebricks at the door until I open it. Then, when I open the door, throws a leaflet (wrapped around a housebrick) into the hall


MONSTER RAVING LOONEY PARTY - delivers an Ikea catalogue


RYANAIR PARTY - pushes a leaflet through the door then knocks on the door, and when I open it, demands £5 for its delivery


ROYAL MAIL PARTY - delivers a leaflet from the 2010 election


THE FRANKIE BOYLE PARTY - comes up the path swearing, shouts through the letterbox "Vote for anyone as long as they are not ****** disabled or ******* black", swears a bit more, then shouts obscenities at some young kids passing by before calling an 80-year-old lady across the road a "wizened old coffin-dodging crone who's a strain on the NHS".


THE VERNON KAY PARTY - couldn't understand a word he said

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

We end up getting the politicians we deserve

Ah. As they say in China. Ah so. The approaching General Erection. Ah so.

Private Eye is a great (pardon the approaching, unintended pun) eye-opener as to how the 650 of them (minus the really good and great amongst them, for example Jim Murphy and Alan Johnson to name but two - please note MPs from other other parties are also available from the aforementioned 10%) just have an eye on their five-year, £67060-a-year plus expenses cushty job - unless they get a knee up into the Lords, where they are paid to wear extremely silly wigs, sleep or play Candy Crush.

They really don't give a stuff about the rest of us, forever saying "I believe" or occasionally, the even more creative "we believe" at every available opportunity, compromising their Saville Row suits just for the mere few weeks of Purdah to kiss the proletariat's snotty babies or to don high-vis jackets and hard hats and pretend they actually know what is going on in a village bakery.

After 7th May, we won't see their backsides for dust until either 2020, or maybe sooner if there's a by-election caused by one of them expiring because of the pressure of getting to their £1500 a day on-the-side, consultancy job.

I may decry HR (well I do decry HR, and at every available opportunity), but as the MPs prospective employers, we actually do a far worse a job than any HR numpty would. Many of us defend - whether it's a family allegience, a personality thing or whatever - some of the biggest liars and eejits in the country, through defending a party that, at the end of the day, doesn't actually give a stuff about us unless we're a paying member, and even then, they will only write to us once a year with a membership payment remittance form.

All the better that they get the pubic to support and often myopically defend them, with us there to help them maintain their five-year, £67050-a-year plus expenses job. Yes, they'll send out the odd Xerox'd reply to a concern we write to them, addressing us carefully and personally as Miss Smith when we are in reality Mr Jones.

All parties lie though their teeth, always very conveniently forgetting what a mess their predecessors have made of things.

Great work if you can get it.

And we must be mad to encourage, support and put up with them.

Maybe it's about time that some of us form the totally honest "Double Standards" party and go out canvassing for no other reason that gaining wonderful donations from those with so much money that it's rotting their sensibilities, honestly stating that all we we want to do is give up working for a living and instead, get a £67,060 year plus expenses position - while still keeping our own jobs on the side.

They're like a bunch of tram drivers who can't drive trams and have a tramway phobia and who don't know what a tram stop or tram timetable is.