Sunday, 30 November 2014

Ryanair - what a business model.

You have to hand it to Ryanair. It's a very clever business model that has made chief executive Michael O'Leary an enviably wealthy multi-multi-millionaire.

And it's all been done on a business model that not only STILL, as yet, doesn't care one hoot for the customer, despite certain big-mouth promises, but also treats staff with equal disdain, seeing them forced to act like in-air salespeople, wandering up and down the airplane peddling over-priced crap and stupid lottery tickets.

And it all starts before passengers even step on the plane.

For example, I don't think the Budapest Airport authorities realise that the reason their fancy (and very nice looking) duty free shops were bereft of customers was because there was just one desk open for the three Ryanair flights taking off between 16.20 and 17.30!

There appears to be four types of traveller who use Ryanair.

1. Those who simply just want to get from "a" to "b" as cheaply as possible.

2. Those who are prepared to undertake a 30-mile round trip at home to buy 40 litres of fuel for 2p a litre cheaper than their local garage, yet the moment they get on a Ryanair flight will happlily pay €20 for four slices of bread, two slices of processed cheese and a sliced tomato (magically transformed into things Ryanair seem to deem as 'two sandwiches') and two 25ml cans of pop.

3. Those who carry on like they are high-flying executives and 'swagger' up and down the aircraft all flight, buying everything in sight, making sure we other passengers are all fully aware of their copy Breitling watches, yet not realising that the rest of we passengers know we are all simply on a budget airline because it WAS the cheapest and IS the nastiest alternative.

4. Those who travel in packs and expect to sit together in a block of 12 despite not paying the stealth charge Ryanair add to enable a party of 12 to sit together. They pull the "foreigner" card, pretending not to speak any of the local default languages, although they are clearly texting in Hungarian as the 'plane approaches Budapest Airport, despite having been told by the on-board Ryanair salesman (cleverly disguised as an air steward) not to turn off  'plane mode' until the plane has landed.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Predictions for 2015

Predictions for 2015

January – ebay crashes under the strain of unwanted Christmas presents. Once again, this is the year the world will end, but not until the 14th of the month at about 2.18pm, but thankfully, Microsoft will dash to the rescue and reboot it at 2.19pm. However, several countries will need updating immediately so the whole thing will slow down to a crawl while these are updated and the world is rebooted several times

February – a bank or four will announce that they might have mistakenly miss-sold thousands of its customers products they didn’t need at the time when they didn’t want them. By mistake. Apple unveils their iPhone 7 that sees extremely stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

March – BBC 1 goes through an entire day (18th) without either a presenter or guest totally mispronouncing basic English words. Amazon, Apple, Vodafone, ebay and PayPal announce they are going to pay what they consider is a fair amount of UK tax to make up for previous years of tax avoidance. That’s about 1%, providing there’s a prevailing wind

April – the supermarkets gear up for their Christmas 2015 campaigns, clearing the shelves of the basic staple goods people need in order to make way for fake trees, baubles, gaudy wrapping paper and left-over selection boxes from 2014. Apple unveils an updated iPhone 7 that sees incredibly stupid people once again queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. With an operating system that doesn’t work properly

May – Prince Charles takes the throne, only to be told by his mother to bugger off back to Clarence House, bring it back and get on with talking to trees and other flora. The Daily Express reports that Princess Diana is still dead. Taking the country by complete surprise, the general election is won by the judges from X-Factor

June – Some singer or other who won one of Simon Cowell’s talent shows releases a record. It sells over 13 copies and whizzes to number one. Apple unveils an updated iPhone that sees very stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one. “Cash Converters” rebrands themselves as “Webuyanyshit.com

July – it has now been raining non-stop for 12 days in the UK, with 30% flooding. Yorkshire still has a hosepipe ban in place. Gas, electricity and rail fare prices are suddenly increased by 43%. The Government clamps down on PPI claim companies saying “they are very, very naughty”. A Premiership footballer achieves a GCSE

August - RyanAir refunds the cost of a flight to someone they acknowledge as having had an “unfortunate customer experience”, although they fail to reveal that said customer was in fact deceased at the time, i.e. said “unfortunate customer experience”. Sky offers a free Fiat 500 with every new 18-month subscription subsequently upsetting many existing subscribers.

September – yet another group of demented fundamentalists try to take over parts of the Middle East, although Tom Cruise does think Scientology won’t stand a chance against the murderous Islamic State with just their rather silly E-Meter Dianetics machine. Apple unveils an updated iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

October – the supermarkets have cleared their Christmas tat to make way for Easter eggs, although Christmas advertising on television ramps up to even more infuriating proportions. The iLoo, with built in WiFi, will be the Apple hit of the year, allowing people to broadcast a rather better variety of shit straight to their TVs. The extraordinarily stupid people who would otherwise queue outside the Apple store for a slightly update iPhone or iPad, stupidly queue up outside the Apple store for this piece of soon-to-be-superceded junk

November – Nintendo unveil what they think is going to be the hit toy of the year - a small black box with two simple joysticks that control a small white ball that players hit to’ and fro’ across a green screen. Now that people are beginning to use 4G telephone services, the immediate roll out of 5G, which doesn’t work on any currently available phone, and won’t be available from any UK mobile providers until 2017, is announced. Apple unveils an updated iPhone and iPad that sees incredibly stupid people queuing outside their shops for days in their efforts to be the first to get one

December – despite the previous seven months of Christmas consumer advertising for games consoles, tablets, phones and clothes etc, the Advertising Standards Authority take a church in Roehampton to court for daring to mention Jesus in its Christmas promotional activities. DFS have a sofa sale.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

And the most important thing is. . . . . .

There is an absolutely huge dilemma in the UK that I need to bring to your attention, but let's leave it until later in the blog.

At the time of scribbling this, the casual reader will not need reminding of some of the lesser impending problems in the world at the moment, but I'll remind you of them anyway.

There's that nasty ebola virus that governments are trying their best to keep out of their respective countries. Horrid, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to.

There's Iran posturing about its rather unclear nuclear vision. A vision to have weapon-grade electricity generating stations. Horrid, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to.

Then there's the unacceptable increase in anti-Semitism throughout the world where Israel can do no right and everyone seems to have forgotten the Holocaust during World War II where just under half the world's then population of Jews (along with gays, gypsies and the disabled) were brutally murdered. Unbelievably vile, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to.

And there's the onward march in Iraq and Syria of a crowd of totally unhinged barbarians who know nothing except how to brutally murder those who don't believe in their brand of zealotry and totally unacceptable nonsense. A modern-day Holocaust of epic proportions that people just seem to 'hum' and 'haw' about. Horrid, but not as big a dilemma as this UK one I will allude to.

Now for the huge UK dilemma. The one that effects you and me much more than any of the above. Regardless of whether you're getting in the way of Islamic State,  a Jew, struck down with a virus, homeless or even a One Direction fan (treatment sadly not available on the NHS for the latter, so be afraid. Very afraid).

Yes, the huge dilemma is - and Ban Ki Moon, despite his uselessness, could well have to involve the UN seeing as our own politicians are even more useless, is - which Christmas advertisement is the winner this year?

Is it John Lewis, Marks and Spencer, Argos, Asda. Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Aldi or Lidl?

Yes, this is THE important and vital question, as we are bombarded for six weeks solid by these crass, commercial pieces of eye candy without the merest mention of Jesus, Mary, the three Wise Men.

As for the donkeys - yes, that's the members of the public who put up with this annual mindless festering season of good ill to all men.

Bah humbug!